July 4, 2005-2011

July 4, 2005: I was on the beach, at the edge of the ocean, watching fireworks with some of my new, best friends.  I wouldn't remember this part if it weren't for Steph reminding me - but I continuously repeated "I can't believe this is my life."  It was so monumental.  This girl from southeastern Ohio was on the Atlantic Ocean, with a good job, watching fireworks, surrounded by beautiful friends. It was, with my limited vocabulary, insane.

A year later, I found myself in Nelsonville, fat, pregnant, stuffed in a minivan with some family I didn't even like.  I was broken.  THIS IS MY LIFE?!  REALLY?  It was horrendous in the most literal sense of the word.  Nelsonville?  Minivan?  Aunt and uncle?  My life had taken a horrible, disgusting turn for the worse.  I had noone but myself to blame.

Later that night, I called/texted/emailed (who knows?  It was years ago, after all) my friend and told her my dilemma. How could I go from ecsasty to a shit hole in a year? Was this a sign of what the rest of my life would be?  I was not just upset, I was hateful.  Bitter.  Disgusted.  This is my life.  And FML. My friend, even though I know she probably didn't believe it herself, told me "Just think, on 4th of July's from here on out, you'll be seeing it through your daughter's eyes.  Things will be ok.  And better."  I didn't believe her for a second.

July 4, 2008 - Rick and I met up and haven't left each other since.

July 4, 2011 - I watched the finale of Nelsonville's fireworks from my side yard, arm in arm with the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Rick was inside, getting ready for bed.  His sister and niece were inside playing (his niece was disinterested/scared). So it was me and Liv, holding each other.  She was entranced by the fireworks, I was entranced by life.  How could I have ever deserved something so good?  THIS IS MY LIFE?!  REALLY?!  As we watched the finale, I told her the same thing I've told her since I met her - "You are my favorite color, my favorite number, my favorite word - you are my favorite everything." 

She responded with "Is it over yet?" 

I hope not.

Note To Self

Between my full time job, housework, paying bills, cooking dinners, doing laundry, visiting family, and all the other busy stuff life throws my way, I should not forget to play with my kid.  Time goes too fast, I'd rather regret sucking at work than not making memories with her once she's old enough to not want to play with me anymore.

Like WOAH.

You know how some days just really suck? This was not one of those days.

I started my day off by getting paid. Always a good sign. Next, I landed in NYC. I've never been there before so the fact that I arrived an hour early and was able to explore Times Square was fantastic. The sights, sounds, people, culture were all amazing. I expected myself to be extremely overwhelmed and immediately lost, but it was a comfortable, easy adventure. Next, I had delicious lunch with an artist who was absolutely delightful. It was the first time in a looooong time that I spoke with the same person for two hours without wanting to break my own fingers just to escape (my attention span isn't my strong suite). At the end, we hugged, she politely told me she was not interested in making a gift to the university at this time, and invited me back to attend some shows and site see. Going back to the airport, I was early and able to stop by a bar in Jersey for a quick libation.  The bartender mistook me for a friend and hooked me up with half price drinks.  After the not-so-long trek home, I walked in to a clean house (courtesy of my boyfriend). Next, I found my daughter's preschool book. Highlights: Q:  What is love? A;  My mawmaw and nana. Q:  What are you thankful to God for? A:  Me and my dad! TEAR!!!  After my shower, I checked my email, where I found a great note from the artist I met earlier today who had changed her mind and is now interesting in investing in some programs at her alma mater.  The day ended with a mini-feast from Rhapsody and Michael Scott's final Office episode.  Thank God for days like today.

Random Thoughts on a Saturday Morning

Every Saturday, I wake up to a lot of poo.  :-(

Why do people expect me to NOT be late?

Why does my child ALWAYS wanna dress like a hooker???

I should carry a voice recorder with me to capture all my deep thoughts and genius ideas.

My Dell sucks ass.

I have invited my mom and other family members to be part of my life this weekend... Let's hope I don't regret this.

Because someone needs to see my pictures....

This is Rick with his baby boy, Brutus.

Tell me you don't love this picture and I'll slap you upside the head.

Lexi posing with her baby.  :)

Liv stole Rick's glasses (and rocks them, if I do say so myself!).

Cuteness (both of them).

I took Liv to see my office this weekend.  She said "Uh, it's small. And where is TJ?"

We used to come here when she was a baby to eat ice cream and play in the grass...  Time flies.

In college, my friends and I used to hang out here and do things we weren't supposed to.  Now, my daughter is there asking me questions about this "realllllllllly big school."  Again, time flies.

We took the girls roller skating yesterday.  It was the best workout I've had in a while (having girls hanging from your arms while you move on wheels is all in a day's work).

Liv trying to get her footing (she never did).

I'm a rollerskating QUEEN!!!

And there's my king!  (HAHAHA!!!)

Lexi working to keep standing (she did pretty good!).

Finally, an odd year!!!

Ah, 2011.  So much has changed in just a few days!!!  Ok, not really, but I like to think big!  ;-)

So I've been putting a lot of thought into what I'm going to talk about in this blog and I'm still pretty clueless.  Having my own blog seems to put some pressure on me.  I feel like I should only talk of important things.  Then again, who am I to discuss "important stuff?"  I mean, really?  Even though my mind occassionally wonders to things like alternate universes or death, noone really needs (or wants) to hear my random thoughts on stuff like that - after all, what do I know?  Over the weekend, I thought of millions on topics that I could possibly discuss, but of course, those thoughts are mostly gone by this point.  Here's what I have left in my brain.

I'm still off of Facebook (crack).  I was tempted to reactivate this weekend after Rick encouraged me to do so (SURPRISINGLY) since his army friend wants to be my friend so he can stalk Rick through me (which I totally do not mind).  But for some reason, I'm still a bit fascinated with my little experiment.  I don't know exactly what the point is yet, but it feels good to have a break.  I've been thinking about what I'll change about my Facebook behavior once I do reactivate, but I'm not in a hurry so I'll just keep thinking.  The biggest differences that I have noticed are the lack of gossip about other people I have in my brain and the additional time I suddenly have by not reading everyone else' business.  The amount of time I spend on Facebook is embarrassing and amazing at the same time.  Also, this weekend I saw a "friend" from Facebook who totally ignored me (I returned the favor so it wasn't just her to blame) which reminded me that when I reenter the facebook world, I have some major house cleaning to do.

I've been off of work since last Thursday.  Last night, I was up until 3 feeling yucky.  I have come to the conclusion that for some reason, my new job makes me sick.  I think maybe subconsciously, it makes me nervous which makes my body revolt.  It's the only explanation I can come up with and unfortunately, it sounds like typical Billie.  I'm hoping that within the next few months (weeks, or better yet, days), my emotions will even out.  It's weird to think that my subconscious can have so much power over my conscious life!

So I haven't made New Years resolutions in years.  I usually fail at them, so what's the point?  This year, I decided a few days before the end of 2010 that there were a few basic things that I really NEED to work on.  I'm now working really hard to remember to take my medicine EVERY DAY (thyroid, Chantix, anxiety).  So far, I've missed one day in the last week, which is probably a record for me as of late.  I also have not had a cigarette since New Year's Eve.  I'm back on Chantix.  I'd like to do it cold turkey on my own, but I also know that I love LOVE LOVE smoking and if Chantix can help me love it less, I'll take all the help I can get!  Now, if I can just keep the dreaming under control.  During my last bout with Chantix, I had night terrors about my dear old father (one of the side effects of Chantix is intense dreams).  This time, it looks like my dreams will focus more on my day to day life with Rick and the girls, which means that 2 out of 3 days, I've woken up mad at Rick.  Although it sucks for Rick (hopefully I'll be able to control my dream emotions), I'm happy to see that my subconscious may finally be letting go of the fear or anxiety caused by my dad (for now, anyway).  I will say that disappointment set in something fierce this morning when I realized that I would not be having a cigarette with my morning coffee (which is why I'm just drinking Sunkist this morning).  I'm sure the sadness will go away soon enough - I will just be happy once this whole quitting process is over and I don't have to think about it again.  Fingers crossed to it actually taking this time and that I don't have to attempt to quit ever again.

New Year's Eve was pretty tame (thankfully).  Rick and I hung out with some of his friends and made out at midnight.  :-)  He later drunkenly told me that he's not ready to get married yet.  Last week, I looked at engagement rings online.  I have NEVER EVER looked at engagement rings - in person or online, and after I sent him the link to my wishlist, he knew it was in my brain (hehe).  I'm ok with his feelings right now.  I guess maybe in a year or more, I might be more ... impatient, but for now, I'm ok with this (although I will most likely continue to look at rings, especially while I'm not on Facebook!).

I guess that's all I have for now.  Any requests for blog topics?  Sent 'em my way!  ASK ME ANYTHING!!!  (hahaha!!!)

OG